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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.